The summer blanket.

I always like to say that my dog is the best dog in the world, and well, he is. If I was to say that he is the best behaved dog in the world, well that would just be a lie though. He isn’t that bad, I mean I leave my clothes lying around on the ground and there is always loose shit on my desk but he never chews them up or anything, so he isn’t that bad. On a seemingly irrelevant topic, it is that season where it is just hot... you know the one, summer I think they call it. Now if you are wandering, yes I did just walk out into the living room and ask my mum ‘is it still summer?’ and when she said that it was, I asked her what the next season after summer would be. She looked at me like I am actually fucking retarded but yeah; I honestly don’t know my seasons. They don’t seem necessary, I mean you have months and years and weeks and days and all that, and I know them all, I just don’t know my seasons.

Anyway, what I was getting at was that even though it’s summer, I am one of those people that always need a blanket on me when I sleep. I can sleep on couches and in cars and that but you know, if I am in bed I just need a blanket on me, simple as that. Due to the season, I have been enjoying sleeping at home, in my bed, under my blanket which is some kind of, half blanket? Okay so it’s like the same size, it covers my bed, but it is half as thick as a normal blanket so it is perfect for summer sleeping. So it was just a few nights ago when I came home to see Snoopy, as in my dog, lying on my bed sleeping. His tail started to wag as I walked over to the bed; he was excited to see me I assume. I see this like, ball of white fluff lying on the ground, I pick it up and, being the lazy person that I am, just looked at it and then put it back on the floor. Then I hopped into bed and slept.

The next morning I woke up to the sound, of Snoopy growling and biting and chewing and all this and it was like eight in the morning, so I pushed him off my bed and continued sleeping. I was awoken again by the same sound, but this time it was like noon, so I was happy to be woken up. There were more clumps of like, cotton or something on the floor and on my bed, and this confused me. I thought that maybe I had a disease, like some kind of leprosy type disease but instead of my skin shedding or whatever happens when you are a leper, my cotton was leaking. I then realised that my body contained barely any cotton, nowhere near enough for me to ‘leak’ it, I mean if I lost any more cotton I would surely die. Being the smart guy that I am, I realised that I don’t actually have any cotton in my body, as in I didn’t even need to ask anyone or call a doctor or look it up or anything, I just knew that shit.

I continued to look around my room, looking for what the actual cause of this random cotton exposure was. I then saw Snoopy sitting on my bed and I walked over to him. He was chewing on his tennis ball, or at least that’s what I thought from a longish distance. As I got closer I noticed that he didn’t even have a tennis ball... that is when I realised that he wasn’t chewing on his tennis ball, he was in fact chewing on his actual balls, like his dog testicles, or dogsticles as they are scientifically called. It was after I made this discovery that I made an even more accurate discovery, that Snoopy is circumcised... wait that’s the wrong word, what’s the thingy they get so they can’t like, fuck or something? De-sexed? Yeah, he was that.

I approached him again; I was now close enough to see that Snoopy was actually chewing on my blanket, my amazingly perfectly thick slash thin summer blanket! I was actually so sad, I mean if it didn’t take me so long to work out that he wasn’t chewing on his nonexistent dogsticles then I probably would have been able to stop him before he turned into this holey as white thing that wouldn’t pass as a blanket for anyone. I am so sad; I am now lying on this bed typing this without a blanket on me and I kind of feel naked. I mean I am wearing a t shirt and shorts but still... naked.