The stub.

Life is not worth living, especially when stubbing your toe is something that can happen. I have stubbed my toe too many times to remember, and it normally happens in my own house, where I should know where all the furniture is and where I should know all the locations where stubbing your toe is an actual possibility. Still, although knowing where it can and can’t happen, I still manage to find myself walking into toe stubbing territory as I smash my toe up against the coffee table or the cabinet, causing immense pain that circulates through my entire body and it makes me think that maybe, just maybe, if I killed myself, the pain would go away... that is how bad it can feel sometimes.

I remember a time as a kid where I stubbed my toe so badly that my entire big toenail was actually ripped open and off, and it had to be the most painful thing that has ever happened. The worst part about it was that mum and dad weren’t even home, and we had my cousins babysitting us. I would have been like six or something, maybe younger but I can still remember the pain... the pain of putting on socks the next day for wherever it is that I had to go, I don’t think that there will ever be a pain that bad in my life ever again, it was quite easily the worst pain I have ever endured. Every time that I remember that moment in my life I think to myself, how grateful I am that it hasn’t happened again, because when I was a kid, all pain was the same pain, I mean I cried when I grazed my knee, but now I’d be like ‘oh that’s shit’. Now though, I think that if I pulled off my entire toenail in some unbelievable toe stubbing accident, god knows how much it will hurt.

It was Tuesday night, like midnight, so the phones were telling us it was Wednesday but they couldn’t fool us in the knowing of the truth, and that was that it was Tuesday night still. Tom, Tallulah, Sam Pratt and I had just been to On the Run where the devastation of no green pepper pies haunted me throughout the night. We then went to the Saint Mary’s On the Run where they, again, only had one pie. It was a plain beef pie, which really doesn’t cut it compared to the peppery goodness of a green pepper pie or a pepper steak pie. Anyway, the devastation of the lack of the pies was rivalled only by the devastation of the lack of strong iced coffees. It is almost like the world had a shortage of things that I like, so I settled for a regular strength iced coffee and a regular beef pie.

We bought some Cadbury Rocky Road chocolate for Brett because he paid for it I guess, and I tried my hardest to stop Tallulah and Sam Pratt from having any, and I guess that my hardest was good enough because they didn’t end up having any by the time we got back to Brett’s. I kept on saying how this was the dawn of the worst day of my life, I mean there was no strong iced coffee, no pepper pies, green or regular they had none, and I was just so sad. It was the worst day of my life so far, if not the worst day of anyone’s life. Tallulah and Sam ran in to Brett’s to give him the chocolate and as they ran back out, I heard the screaming of Tallulah, and it sounded like she was in immense pain. Turns out she stubbed her toe, and I of all people, like all people I guess, know the pain of stubbing your toe.

Unlike most toe stubs, this was the worst one that has happened since the one that I had as a kid. Her entire toenail wasn’t off, but it was cracked down the middle and there was blood and puss everywhere, it was fucking disgusting. This is where I kind of had to stop complaining about how my day was so bad, and how it was the worst day of anyone’s life ever, I mean I just had to settle for subpar food compared to my regular likings, where Tallulah had her toenail torn to shreds. I helped try and clean it up but the blood had already hardened over or something so the alcoholic wound rubbing thing that Tom had was really just stinging her and bringing more pain to her already immensely painful situation and not really helping at all. She then wrapped all of the bandaids in the world around her toe and built a cast for it out of bandaids.

Waking up, I stubbed my toe on Tom’s cupboard or whatever kind of furniture it was, and it was fucking painful. I complained for a second before Tallulah looked at me and she just had that face that said ‘are you fucking serious? I fucking stubbed my toe to the fucking degree of fucking bleeding and pussing and you are complaining over that? Fuck off!’ and yeah, it was a very emotive face, and this is where I stopped complaining, and endured the pain of stubbing my toe. Tallulah’s lucky though, at least she didn’t have to put on socks.

The people from the internet.

Sometimes I like to question the reality of the internet, or at least the people who are on it. I accept all friend requests on Facebook, unless I don’t like the person, so I have a lot of random people on my friends list, I have never met them and for all I know meeting them is an impossibility, because who knows, maybe they aren’t even real. I don’t add random people, I think that’s just silly, but I love being added by random people. I get a lot of people adding me randomly saying that they read my blog, which surprises me. I never thought that this blog would appeal to people that I didn’t know, or weren’t in it, but you know, it is the internet. I also get a lot of random people adding me that I never hear from again. I’m not one for the ‘hey thanks for the add but do I know you? Xx’ because it just seems silly, I mean if you have to say that you obviously don’t know them, why make it a question?

Last night I got some random woman add me who Andrew said is Turkish, but I think he just assumed from the name; Nabila Kahn Kahn. I accepted, like I do with everyone and then I get a notification saying that she has commented on one of my pictures. I check it, and she has commented on my default saying ‘hot pic’. I don’t know how you can do that, I mean sure, the picture is me dancing with Tallulah and I’m not wearing a shirt, so the picture really is oozing hotness, but I just don’t see how you can actually do that, just comment someone that you have never met and just being like ‘hey your fucking hot as’, especially when you are some bloody twenty year old Pakistani Turkish woman. I have two friends in common with this woman, how did she even find me, and why did she find me, and why has she commented on the same picture two times.

There’s this other girl on my friends list who I am almost curtain isn’t real. Her Facebook name isn’t her actual name; she calls herself Beachbabe, which is obviously not her real name. She talks to me on Facebook chat every day and when I originally talked to her and flirted back because I thought it was funny, I stopped because it just got weird. By weird, I mean she is now constantly telling me that she loves me, as in she says that she is in love with me, so I am seriously starting to doubt whether she is a real person or not. Now I log into Facebook to hear the popping sound almost instantly as she tells me that she loves me, this is something that a normal person wouldn’t do, and by that I mean a real person, any person.

I have six hundred and thirty two Facebook friends. As much as I like to say that I know them all, which would be as much of a lie as saying that a raccoon came into my room and brought in all this gold but then when I went to grab the gold the raccoon bailed back out my window. It was the first time that my window has ever really been open because I normally leave it closed. I chased it outside but then I tripped over and landed in these cactuses that are located outside my bedroom window, I grazed my knees all over the bricks outside my room and I had pebbles stuck into the newly formed indents in my face of which the pebbles decided to make their new home. I climbed back into my room and laid down on my bed picking out the cactus prickles that were all over my body, but then I realised that none of this happened because it was as much of a lie as if I were to say that I know all six hundred and thirty two of my Facebook friends.

The Fembula.

It was unlike anything you have ever seen before, unless you have seen world war first hand. The Germans were turning on each other, the Greeks and Serbs were watching as the Australians got involved with the Germans but Greece couldn’t help but watch Serbia crumble to the might of Germany. If you don’t know already, I am talking about this morning when Jack, Andrew, Brett, Chris and I were fighting in Brett’s pool; it was an all out slaughter between nations that you would never expect to see fighting like this. Once the battle ended, we all relaxed, sat in the corner of the pool together and it was almost as if there was a temporary truce between nations. We were talking about the battle; we even started talking about Primary School, reminiscing about simpler times.

Brett asked me if ‘do you reckon that this would start a pool fight?’ and after he said what probably didn’t need the if back then, he pushed me in the face, launching me back ever so slightly. I pounced, pushed him back and tried to put his head under water, drowning him and thus winning the war. I was expecting Brett to turn my attack back onto me and then I would tap out, hell I was even expecting me to win the fight more than what actually happened. What ended up happening was I jumped at him, grabbing his neck and I pulled the two of us under water, I went to bend my lag and wrap it around him so he couldn’t get out but my leg was just stuck. I tried again to bend my leg, realising that if I tried any harder my entire bottom half of my leg would simply snap off.

Instead of making up names for all the parts of my bones like I had originally planned to do, I thought I would grab a diagram of the lower half of the human body showing you the bones so I could show you what was actually happening. So instead of the ‘dick and balls to leg bone’ as I was originally going to call it, it would now be referred to as the hip joint, as seen in the above diagram. Okay so what was happening was that my leg was completely straight, and if you can look at where the femur is on the diagram, and then look down to where the fibula is; that entire stretch of leg was joined and it felt like it was just the one bone that went right down from the top part of my leg to the bottom, and I didn’t even feel like I had a bloody patella, because I couldn’t bend my leg at all.

When attempting to bend my leg, I actually felt like I was bending bone, and if I did anymore than what I was doing it would snap off completely. I used my normal working arms and pulled myself over to the steps of the pool, as I look at it I realise that I may never be able to walk again. It’s not like I’m an elite athlete or anything but not being able to walk would mean that I can never do my favourite thing; party. I stretched out my leg completely, rubbed it all down and then slowly started to bend it. I could feel the bone strain and just when I thought that I was getting it back to normal, I hear the biggest crack ever, and I look down at my leg to see my bone sticking completely out of my leg, with blood seeping into the pool.

Okay, so that didn’t actually happen, that last bit was a lie, what actually happened was it just bent back into place and then I swam around. My leg was still sore for like a good hour afterwards but it was nothing that will stop me from partying, and I am just happy that my leg didn’t snap open because it would just be fucking, nah it would actually definitely be the shittiest thing ever, and probably one of the, nah it would definitely be like, the most painful thing ever. After Jack stopped crying of laughter, he asked me if it was just a cramp, and there was no way that it was just a cramp, I mean I thought I would never walk again, I was imagining life without one of my legs, but then I thought that maybe it was just a really bad cramp, but then I realised that what actually happened is my patella was temporarily removed and my femur and fibula morphed into one bone; the fembula.

The orbit.

Have you ever seen something as simple as a gum wrapper fall off a bench and get caught in a cobweb and spin around the bench? Everyone looks at it in amazement, but they still know what’s going on, it just got caught in the cobweb and span around a few times, but then it spins even more, even faster and even more consistently and you start to have second thoughts on what the gum wrapper was actually doing; I know I did. Watching the piece of gum spin around the metal pole that came out of the ground and was bolted to the bench made me think that something much worse was happening than it just being stuck on the cobweb that it was actually stuck on. Right now there is a huge green underline on this Microsoft Word page underlining the previous sentence, it says that I should consider reversing the previous, large sentence, but surely if I reversed it the little bit of sense that it makes would be diminished and make even less sense, wouldn’t it?

Back to the gum wrapper, I actually thought that there was more going on than a cobweb spinning it around, I mean I thought it was the cobweb at first but after the seventh spin around I was thinking that surely the cobweb would have ran out of cobweb to keep spinning it around, and that is when I realised the truth. It was quite clear to me that the pole coming out of the ground was extracting the orbit of earth, centralising it around the pole and the gum wrapper was the only, or first thing caught in it. Tallulah was looking at the wrapper well before I was, but I think she just saw the cobweb as a cobweb, not seeing the same thing that I was seeing.

The orbit of the pole continued to the degree where I was scared if there was any orbit left in earth, I mean it seemed as though the earth wasn’t even travelling around the sun like all the other planets and soon one of the orbiting planets would hit earth soon and it would be the end of the world, I mean could you imagine if Mars orbited into us? We would be pretty much fucked I reckon. Andrew walked over to the pole sticking out of the ground, flicked the gum wrapper over, away from the orbit, but he did so without hesitation. What if the orbit pulled him into the vortex and he started flying around the pole, he is much bigger than the gum wrapper was, and what if he started to orbit at the same distance away from the pole as the gum wrapper was, he probably would have been killed.

When I told Tallulah about what was happening with the orbit, she thought I was fucking retarded. Like she actually thought I was fucked in the head or something, but the amount of spins that it went through, surely the cobweb would have ran out of spins, and I was just thinking that maybe the orbit was a possibility, but she really made me feel like I had severe mental problems. It was then when I realised that Tallulah looked exactly like Sonic the Hedgehog, and that making her my second best friend was the best idea I had ever had. I mean I was just thinking about how happy I am that Sam and Tallulah are like, my new friends, but she bloody looks like Sonic, just so happy.

Although I normally don’t have a message at the end of these blogs, and although I didn’t even try to make this one have a message, the message here is a simple one. Don’t litter, or your litter might start its own orbit around some pole on a bench and destroy the earth; you have been warned.

The disappointing pub meal.

Yesterday was my mum’s birthday, and we decided to go to another one of the restaurants that mum had a coupon for so we could get one of the meals for free. I didn’t know whether it was a restaurant or a pub, I mean it looked fancy but the menu was full of stuff like schnitzel and chips, fish and chips and all that, so I just assumed that it was a pub. I felt kind of out of place walking in, I mean I was wearing the same shorts that I wore to New Years and they had like, beer stains on it I think, and I was wearing just, just a tee shirt. I felt like the restaurant and or pub was better than me, but I didn’t really care, I just wanted to eat.

In an attempt to make myself really hungry before dinner, I hadn’t eaten anything all day, and this did work, but I was actually starving. I normally don’t eat the bread and butter when it comes out, but last night I have never in my life been so keen for bread and butter, or any type of food for that matter. I ordered what has been my favourite pub meal ever since I can remember; beef schnitzel and chips, and it couldn’t come soon enough. I was waiting on the bread though, the last bread and butter I had from a pub was unbelievable, easily the best bread I have ever had in my life, and I was just so keen, like, catastrophically keen, if that makes any sense; probably doesn’t.

I got to the stage where my stomach was eating itself because it was so hungry, this was around the forty minute mark, and this was when I realised that bread wasn’t coming. After we had been waiting for maybe an hour and twenty minutes, the meals started to come through. When I got mine, it think it might have been the happiest I have been in a long, long time. The first bite into the beef was, as much as I would like to say unbelievably and undeniably amazing, I have to say it was fucking disgusting. The beef or veal or whatever in the schnitzel was red roar, but I was at that hunger level where I did not care and I was not in the mood to take it back as they recooked it for another hour.

The chips were a really odd bunch, some were good, some were overcooked, some were undercooked and then some were like, overcooked but parts of the chip were undercooked, it was fucked. As I made my way further into the schnitzel, I was growing an accepting nature for it being undercooked, I thought that maybe it wasn’t even undercooked, maybe it was just fucking disgusting, either way, it was doing the job of filling me up. This entire acceptance that was growing on me for the disgusting red veal changed when I got around half way through and the red roar veal turned into the brownie, oh, more greyish colour that it is meant to be. I uncovered the crumbs to discover that there was an almost straight line down the middle of the schnitzel that had half of it being red roar and the other half being grey good.

I finished the red and grey striped zebra schnitzel to realise that I wasn’t full; I didn’t feel like eating anymore. I think that the red and grey zebra schnitzel put me off food or something, but now, seeing as though I haven’t eaten since then, I am fucking hungry again... Oh well, at least when I left the festy ass restaurant pub thing that doesn’t even have bread and butter like every other place in the world, Tallulah and Sam Pratt wrote a story for me based on true events. Instead of writing the true events that we had with Tallulah and Sam Pratt, I decided to write about the restaurant, but in case you are curious, here is the story, based on true events.

A short story for Nick Cosma <3

trixie and Debbie joe are two amazing people who went for a stroll in the secret garden. This was a magical time, until they heard gang members in the near by carpark.

they sprinted inside, after being cuddled by the tiger.

they tried for hours to keep away from the gang members who had just visited the local brothel and were not angry.

eventually, after tackeling tigers, calling for help, having a bit of dp and updating a few status' Brett, cosma, and tom came to the rescue, while chris stayed at home, waiting for Alice <3

The Second Modern Warfare.

There was once a time in my life where I always had money. It used to rack up from Christmas’s and birthdays and I would always have hundreds of dollars just sitting there in my room ready to be spent. I don’t know what I did, I mean it’s not like I saved the money, but I just kept it there so whenever a new game or movie or album or whatever it was that I used to buy came out, I could just go and buy it. I currently have no money, I mean unless you count the pile of five, ten and twenty cent pieces that are on my table in front of me that add up to probably like, seven dollars maybe? I’ll be sure to count it soon but yeah, I am not really keen to spend it anyway, because majority of the coins are five cent pieces and I don’t think that anyone would accept me buying something in five cent pieces.

After Christmas I bought two games, one of them was DJ Hero of which I have already expressed my love for, and the other was the new Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 2. I remember buying the first Modern Warfare on the day that it came out with all the money that I had, it was one of the most amazing games I had ever played. Unlike all of the other Call of Duty games, Modern Warfare wasn’t set in world war two, it was set in the ‘yet to happen and hopefully never will’ world of world war three. I was sad when the second Modern Warfare game came out, I mean I had no money, and not only that but my Xbox was broken so even if I raised enough money to buy the game, I would still need like another two hundred dollars to buy a new Xbox.

Everyone seemed to have the game already and it was almost like I was the only person that didn’t. There were Facebook groups like ‘COD Ruined My Social Life’ and stuff that everyone was joining, people that I didn’t even know played video games but all people that had Modern Warfare 2, and I didn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t have it, I mean it was, that was where most of the sadness came in, but I hadn’t even played it yet, and that is why I was so happy when I went to Tom Wilkin’s house that day, and he rented it. Starting the single player campaign was great, I mean I would have loved to play it on the hardest mode but Tom didn’t want to, so we ended up playing it on Regular.

There was also another decision to make, but this was a much easier one to make. The game said that there is disturbing or graphic content in the game and it asked if we wanted it removed from the play through. The decision was easier because it was obvious that neither of us had a stomach strong enough to put up with stuff graphic enough to warrant a warning, and by that I mean we said that we didn’t remove it because neither of us are soft. I had an idea what the content that might be considered disturbing might be though, I mean Saf was telling me of a mission where you are a terrorist or something and you wipe out an airport full of civilians, and I can imagine that being disturbing to some people.

When I told this to Tom he was not at all disturbed or less keen to play the game, if anything his keen level raised as mine did just thinking of wiping out an airport as a terrorist, and playing through what the level might look like in my head, all I saw was Saf running around with an AK-47 killing people... I was pumped. As we played through the game, I could see why everyone had already played or bought it, I mean it was amazing. In the first Modern Warfare, there were a few moments where something shockingly unbelievable happened and you were just left in awe, maybe even with your mouth wide open, but in the second one, every mission has like one or two of those moments, to the degree where the game is almost too amazing.

We stopped playing when Andrew got to Tom’s because he wanted to battle us, not take it in turns getting through the single player. Maybe because Andrew is just one of those ‘I am better than you’ kind of guys and he wants to prove it or maybe just because he was really shit and kept dying, so his shots were minutes shorter than ours. Playing the multiplayer was fun, but it was nothing compared to the single player. I didn’t really want to play it any more though, I really wanted to wait until I got it myself and could finish it on Veteran difficulty, the highest and hardest one; so that’s what I did. As I started writing this blog I was still in the main menu from the game, still thinking about how good the ending was, and how amazing it is, just like, no it was too amazing. It was so amazing that the word amazing doesn’t warrant how amazing it was, so I am going to have to use the word incredible, but that doesn’t warrant it either so I am going to have to throw in the word magnificent, so incredibly magnificent... I think that cuts it.

The New Years.

It was the night that had me kissing ever girl there, and most of the guys, and had me dancing around in my lucky red undies in front of everyone else who were dancing around in theirs, but left me waking up alone in my bed in the same undies that I was partying with and now I am sitting here typing this, just sitting in my undies. The year of two thousand and nine, which I can easily call the best one of my life ended last night in one of the most fun nights of my life. I think that this may be the first New Year that I can actually feel; like I know that it is two thousand and ten. Previous new years had me writing two thousand and four at the top of my school book page when the year was actually two thousand and five, but right now I know that it is two thousand and ten, and I don’t feel like I’ll have to cross out two thousand and nine and write two thousand and ten over it at all this year.

It had to be the messiest new years ever, not just because we were all so fucked, but mainly because there was so much confusion on what was going to happen. It was actually planned within hours of midnight what we were actually going to do that night, but we ended up going to Hannah’s New Year’s gathering, which turned into a party, which turned into one of the most amazing nights ever, and easily my best gateway into a year that there has ever been. The night started, like most do, at Brett’s house. Tom and I were more excited about stealing someone’s camera and being the ‘happy snaps’ guy than the dawn of a new year. When the night started Anna-Lisa’s camera seemed to be the only one that was available for the stealing, but that one ran out of batteries fast.

Many seemed to notice my replicated self from graduation party, I had the Heineken Keg; I didn’t carry it around as much as I did for graduation, actually I didn’t carry it around at all, but I was also wearing the same T-Shirt. I think Dajana was the first to notice and from there more and more people seemed to notice. I didn’t do it intentionally, I mean Dajana was the one that made me realise, but it’s okay because I was wearing shorts, not the same jeans from graduation. Less people noticed later on in the night when the entire dance floor took off their shirts, and then their shorts, and then the dance floor was just dancing around in their underpants. I had no idea where Tom went, but I ended up getting a hold of Tallulah’s camera which had plenty of battery life in it, so Tallulah replaced Tom as my picture taking buddy and we really just went nuts taking pictures of each other.

We must have taken more photo’s than we realised because the battery life for her camera ran dry within a half hour, and the only camera left was Nikki’s. Tallulah and I stole that one and took hundreds of photos with it. I have never really talked to Tallulah before, I mean we have talked but we have never talked, you know what I mean. By the end of the night we were pretty much best friends, and I said that she can be my second best friend. I obviously forgot that I already have a second best friend, and I was kind of hoping that Tallulah would forget that I said that she could be mine, but in the morning she reminded me and I couldn’t really back down from that.

At the start of the night, Brett said that if I don’t finish the keg then I can never, ever go back to his house ever again, like I wouldn’t be welcome or anything. The last time I saw the keg it was empty, just coughing up the last bits of foam, the keg had done its job, as I was fucking hammered, absolutely paralytic. Sure, other people had some of the keg, I mean Tallulah and I finished it together, and that is what made us second best friends, but the keg just has that magical power of making you more fucked than I would if I was drinking out of bottles or cans... or maybe that is just for me.

The night ended, Kenny came and picked us up because for some reason he doesn’t drink anymore... maybe it’s because he had a bad drinking experience at schoolies or something, who knows, but he took me home and I jumped straight into my bed, in my undies. And slept until whenever it is that I got up, opened up my window and realised that it is two thousand and ten, it is fucking two thousand and ten, we made it here, another decade, and hopefully many more to come, Iand if you read this, I love you.