The longest walk ever.

The walk to Andrew's is not a long walk at all, like you just really have to get onto Cross Roads and then head right down until you reach East Avenue and then you are just there. Why it took us so long I don’t know, and by I don’t know I really do know, but I still don’t know how it took us that long, I mean I do but you know, it just took even longer than the longest possible time that it should have taken, and why it took that long, I don’t know. The walk started with just Kenny, Tallulah and I. Instead of taking the streets like I said we should take, we took this forest like reserve park or something so we could cut through to where Hungry Jack’s was and then ring people to pick us up. If any horror movie has ever taught me anything ever, which it has, it taught me not to take shortcuts through forests or parks or just, dark places with trees no matter how much time it cuts down the walk by, because the time it cuts off isn’t really worth the cutting off of your head now, is it?

As much as I would like to say that something more interesting happened than we just walked through the forest park reserve thing to Hungry Jacks and nothing bad happened, that is just what happened so yeah, no serial killers in there. Seriously though, it was straight out of a horror movie, three friends walking through a park forest reserve thing, the only lights coming from our phones, fuck me, as if we didn’t get hacked to bits. Anyway, we made our way to Hungry Jacks and then we walked a bit further up to that dry cleaner place where Game Traders used to be and we just sat out the front of that, throwing pebbles into this little hole that was in the ground. No one on Tallulah’s phone wanted to pick her up, and I just wasted my last bit of credit calling Chris to see what they were doing, but the phone cut out before he could answer me with some random woman, who wasn’t Chris, telling me that my credit has reached zero.

We continued walking up the road where we found Cam sitting on some bench across from Mitcham shops. Cam’s plan was to walk Tallulah back to her house, and they told us to come as well and then Tallulah said she would just drop us back to Andrew’s or something in the morning. It sounded like a good plan, so we went along with it, but as I started to sober up I just started to realise things, the main thing being that Tallulah lives up in Prospect, and we were in Mitcham... It takes like forty minutes to drive up to Prospect from where we were, so fuck knows how long it would take to walk. Kenny and I decided to just walk to Andrews, which was still really far, especially because we had been walking in the wrong direction for the last half hour, but it was much, much closer than bloody Prospect. We let Cam and Tallulah go ahead because I think they were still drunk enough to think that going to Prospect was a possibility.

Needing to piss but not wanting to waste any more time than we already had, Kenny and I start to walk backwards whilst pissing, but I realised how impossible this actually was. For some reason or another, the flow just didn’t keep going as you take steps, and it was confusing. I ended up standing still and letting my piss finish but my mind didn’t stop asking my mind, yeah because my mind talks to myself, yeah it just didn’t stop asking itself why you can’t piss and walk at the same time. Pissing and walking seem like two things that shouldn’t really interfere with each other, but for some reason, they just did. We continued walking down but then I started to realise that I just, like my mouth was so dry, it was fucked. I needed water, or anything, I was completely and utterly dehydrated.

We reached Hyde Park and then we saw some guy who looked keen on a fight, he yelled out at us, and what he yelled out sounded something like the word ‘Kenny’. We walked towards the person and it turned out to be Stewy, and then he joined us in our walking adventures. Slowly but surely we made our way to On the Run, which is where I saw the most unexpected thing I have ever seen, ever. From a distance it looked like Tom Wilkin, but deep down I knew it couldn’t be, I mean he would have been asleep at Andrews by now. He was waiting by a car in the car park, and I didn’t want to approach him because it wasn’t Tom, and I would just embarrass myself if I ran up and called him Tom or something.

I walked back outside and looked at him, and he was just looking at me, I started walking closer as I saw the distant face turn into an actual face and not a blur, but the face that formed wasn’t Toms. Luckily I took one extra step because then I saw that it actually was Tom; the blur just hadn’t finished forming. I ran over to him and hugged him, and he had an iced coffee in his hands, and he let me have a sip, it completely hydrated me, but then I realised that it didn’t, it just wet my mouth and then when it went away I needed more liquid to hydrate myself further. The On the Run guy serving said that he only has hot water on tap that he could give me, so I just said no, I mean that would be so shit. I walked back outside to see that Mark had bought a bottle of water, the happiest moment of my life, or at least for the last hour or so had to be the feeling that the water gave me as it went down my throat, the feeling of hydration.

The car that was there turned out to be Lucy’s; Mark’s girlfriend. She dropped Tom Kenny and I back at Andrew’s and this just made the happiness of my hydration even happier, and from there I went straight to bed. From bed I got straight up because it had to be the hottest night ever, and although the air conditioner was supposedly on, I felt like I was being burned alive lying in the bed, even without a blanket or anything. I was lying on the bed, face down into the bed, lying in my underpants and nothing else, with nothing on me, no blanket, no sheet, no nothing, but I still felt like a bloody Charizard had me caught in its flame wheel attack, because I just could not escape the heat. Luckily enough Jack also couldn’t sleep and he was about to drive home, he took me home and I slept in my own bed, my beloved own bed. I could write a whole bloody blog on how much I love my own bed but I won’t, because that would just be silly, but I just had the best sleep ever, and then I woke up, and wrote this.