The goals.

Being the leading goal scorer is amazing; I have never been the leading goal scorer for a team in anything in any sport ever I think, so last night was especially amazing. It would have just been more amazing if I wasn’t the leading goal scorer for the opposition via my two own goals. This was the game that we had to win, we had the biggest crowd ever, it was a Facebook event, the event was called The Millennium Game and most of all, this was our rival team. We have been looking forward to this game ever since we knew that Nick’s Team or You Win Real or whatever they are called now was a team. Luckily both our team and their team are in division D, which means that we would play each other sooner or later, but we soon found out that we were being moved up to C’s, and Nick’s Team was moving down to E’s. Luckily enough, in our last game of D’s, we got to play them, and knowing that they are moving down as we are moving up, our hopes of winning were sky high.

The game started off slowly, as in it was slow for us, they were playing bloody well. They had plenty of close shots that either hit the crossbar, went slightly wide or were saved by Andrew. Raman soon scored the opening goal, giving Sealio the early lead, well not early but it was the lead and it was the first time anyone was in the lead all game. Soon after, a devastating corner taken by Nick’s Team saw the ball come in and hit my leg and then deflect into the goals, so it was now one all, and I had gotten an own goal. I have only ever gotten one own goal before, and it was shit, but we were up by like four goals or something anyway and we ended up kicking the shit out of them so it didn’t really matter, but this one really hurt us. I soon subbed off to cop abuse from the Nick’s Team supporters; I stayed off until half time and made my return after the break.

Nick’s Team scored a goal not too soon after the break which put them in the lead, and this was the point where I was thinking that I should kill myself. I mean what would be worse, losing the game of the millennium because I scored an own goal or killing myself. Probably killing myself actually now that I think about it, but still, I was in one shit of a mood. I did a few good clearances and passes, one of which set up a goal for Chris and another one was a clearance that nearly went in the goals, the right goals that is, but nothing really made me think that I had made up for what I had done. Raman then scored another goal, equalising the game to two all, followed by another amazing goal by Chris. I was then subbed off, where I copped more abuse but Brett needed to come off for a bit to tie his shoes or something, so I came on and somehow in the short amount of time that I was on, I managed to get another own goal. I didn’t want to look at Andrew, but I did and he looked like he wanted to tie me to the end of a car and drag me along the roughest road in the world, and then he would cut me off, but not the rope or anything, he would cut me down by cutting off my arms and then he would shove me into a pool of acid that is full of piranhas that for some reason can swim around in acid and not burn away.

The score was four to three, and I couldn’t be any happier when Brett wanted to sub back on. Actually, that is a blatant lie, I would have been much happier if I didn’t score that second own goal, or the first one actually... and I would have been happier if for some reason I went to the vending machine and it started spitting hundred dollar notes at me, and I was the only one around so I grabbed like, fuck loads and then I just had all this money. I went off and instead of going back to the bench I walked off to go to the toilet because I really needed to piss again. I walked past the vending machine that unfortunately wasn’t spitting out any money, and made my way to the toilets. I pulled out my penis and realised that I don’t actually need to piss, I just didn’t want to be out there really... I put my penis away, and then I realised that I actually did need to piss, so I took him back out and took a piss, then put him back away. I washed my hands and made my way back out. I sat on the benches to, of course, cop shit from people about the first and second own goal, but soon after the buzzer went, the final score was four three, and we won.

I was the leading goal scorer for the other team, and it feels fairly shit. I felt bad for Andrew, because he actually played amazing last night but I really fucked him over. He said that it’s okay and he doesn’t care and we were making jokes about it, but I do know that if we ended up losing that game, especially by one goal or something, Andrew would have tied me to the end of a car and dragged me along the roughest road in the world, and then he would have cut me off, but not the rope or anything, he would have cut me down by cutting off my arms and then he would have pushed me into a pool of acid that is full of piranhas that for some reason can swim around in acid and not burn away.