Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Schoolies Chronicles. (Fri)


I woke up at around ten or so in the morning on the Friday, this was the day that Tom and Kenny were coming up and then the Goolwa household of which I was a part of would almost be complete. Kenny, to put it bluntly, has had some bad luck with cars over the last week or so. His car broke down in front of my house on the Wednesday before schoolies and later that day, his dads car that he was borrowing because his car had broken down also broke down. Tom was driving Kenny up to Goolwa and we were all kidding about how Kenny has bad luck with cars and how they won’t even make it to Goolwa but we were kidding... We get a phone call in the morning from Tom who said that his cars radiator exploded and the car started smoking and the car ceased to make it the rest of the way to the house which means that someone had to go and pick him up because he was stuck somewhere half way in between Goolwa and Adelaide. Jack went to pick him up and it was then when we realised that Kenny has been put under a terrible car curse from some witch or something... luckily enough, Jack picked up Kenny and Tom and made it back to Goolwa without his car breaking down or smoking up or anything.

Friday night was the first night of actual partying, and we wanted to make sure that we were ready for it. We started drinking excessively from the get go, and the get go was round about noon. We were all feeling the effects of whatever it was that we were drinking, except for Nathan who wasn’t drinking because he was absolutely fucked the night before and he was still getting over his hangover. Nathan decided to drive us up to the shop to get something, I can’t remember what it was but it was probably ice or food or something... anyway, Kenny somehow got more fucked on the car ride and when he got back home he pretty much passed out on the balcony. I really wanted to get him even more drunk though, so, because he was so drunk, I convinced him that he was sober and that he needed to do a shot of Jager so he would be drunk for schoolies. He shotted the Jager and after around about four seconds, I convinced him that he hasn’t had a shot in over twenty minutes and he needed another one so he didn’t sober up. I then convinced him to do another one after maybe ten to twenty seconds of his second one and after that he said he wanted a beer so I opened a beer for him but replaced the emptiness at the top with... yeah, Jager.

It was just Nathan, Kenny, Tom and I at the house, but by the time the rest of them got back from the beach they were astounded at how drunken Kenny was. Brett cranked the party playlist on my iPod and we watched Kenny dance around to Lily Allen’s ‘It’s Not Fair’ for the entirety of the song, well at least until he collapsed. We told him that he probably should stop drinking but he said that he wanted another shot of Jager, so I gladly poured it for him and then he said that he wanted another beer which I gladly gave to him. He passed out again after he had a sip of the beer which left Kenny, who was in his undies I should probably let you know, which left Kenny open for... just, funny times. Brett pulled out his circumcised penis and started to... urinate on Kenny’s ass. He saturated it with piss before Kenny realised what was going on and he got up to chase Brett, this was the point where we stopped letting Kenny go inside, mainly because he was covered in piss but also because we thought he was going to vomit.

Kenny then made his way down the outside stairs and he started vomiting in the bushes or something, and then he fell into the bushes that he was vomiting on. Brett stood on the balcony and aimed his circumcised penis high, shooting the remainder of the piss he was holding up in his circumcised penis upward before gravity hit it and spiralled it downwards onto Kenny in what was the funniest thing I have seen, maybe ever. I was laughing so much that I actually thought I was going to die of suffocation. Kenny walked back up the stairs, smelling of... piss, and all he wanted was another beer. In a group decision, I was the one that... okay, I don’t... it is hard to describe something that is this funny, so I am going to try my hardest to describe how funny it was but I just don’t know...

I grabbed the cup that Kenny was drinking beer out of before and I tell him that I am going to go and fill it up with beer. I take it down the outside stairs and place the cup down on the bricks that surrounded the outside of the house. I pulled my shorts down to my ankles and pulled my uncircumcised penis out from the inside of my underpants, I aimed it to the cup and let the flow begin. As I was pissing, I was thinking that maybe what I was doing was too far... I mean if someone did this to me I would be fucking angry, but then again it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. I finished pissing and the cup was around three quarters full, not one quarter empty. I took it up the stairs and filled the remaining quarter with actual beer in front of Kenny so that he remained unsuspicious. I gave him the cup and he held it up high as if he was ready to scull it. Kenny started sculling but after the first gulp he spat it out over the edge of the balcony. He opened his mouth, ready to yell something, and I knew what it was going to be even before he yelled out, ‘this is piss!’ but in one of the funniest yelling’s ever, he actually yelled out ‘it’s all warm!’ I yelled back at him ‘it’s because it has been in the sun all day, scull it, don’t be soft!’ and he held the cup even higher, ready to scull, and he then sculled... the piss.

I have never laughed that much in my life, and I have never seen anyone else laugh that much in my life. I mean I fell over on the floor laughing of laughter, screaming, I was falling and screaming and laughing all at the same time and the funniness of when Brett pissed on Kenny off the balcony was almost completely erased after seeing Kenny scull the piss, seeing it drip down the sides of his mouth and onto his body. Kenny vomited for the rest of the day and didn’t really drink anything else. He tried getting me back by pissing in a cup and putting it down on the table with the assumption that I would have thought it was beer and that I would drink it. I was afraid that he would get sick of waiting for me to drink it and then he would throw it at me or something so I just threw the cup of piss off the balcony and continued to drink my regular, non piss infested beer.

We all started to get our drink on, not that they were off but we started to get fucked up. Kenny wasn’t though, he must have had enough or something but he was sober by the time that we were all getting fucked. As we were getting drunk we kept walking over to the right side of the balcony, waving at the random girls that were staying in the blue house across the... thing where other houses are... road. That’s it, across the road. They lived like around the corner or something but you could see their house from across the road and over the house behind us. We were waving at them and yelling at them to come over, so they did. Watching the random girls walk over made everyone happy, but especially Tom and I. You see, something I haven’t yet mentioned yet is that Tom and I made a deal before we went to schoolies. The deal was that we have to get with any girl that tries to get with us and try on every other girl. The second we saw the random Glenunga girls walk up the stairs we looked at each other with a facial expression that said ‘it is on’. The game soon saw Chris and Andrew in on the deal and the scoreboard started, everyone was on zero, everyone was a slut.

Soon after the random girls arrived, the brownie girls did, and the partying got intense. I realised that there is one song in the world that can make me happy no matter what, like I reckon if everyone I loved in the world died and then my arms and legs all were cut off my some mass murderer, so I was in a fairly angry and sad mood, but then the murderer just started playing this song, I would be fucking happy. The song is called Shooting Stars by the Bag Raiders, and it is incredible. I put it on and we all partied to it in what would have to have been the best partying you can possibly do with like fifteen, twenty people. After the partying was over, we were all fucked, and we made our way to the schoolies bus with our tickets and student identification cards, or student ID’s if you talk like a normal person.

Walking off the bus trip that I won’t bother talking about because it was nothing special, schoolies was different to what I expected. I didn’t think that we would see as many people as we saw so quickly. Like walking off the bus I ended up seeing maybe twenty people from school almost instantly and then I was extremely happy to see my best friend Mebakas run up to me and give me the biggest hug that I have had in quite some time. It was one of my happier schoolies moments, but the happiness was just exceeded when I heard the song that was playing... yeah, that one... I grabbed my phone from my pocket and called Jack, I mean it is our song, but when he picked up I couldn’t hear him and he couldn’t hear me, it was quite the devastating phone call but I told him afterwards why I called him and he was very happy.

Friday night in a nutshell was shit, as in the festival was. The partying in the house was great fun and of course watching Kenny drink piss was just literally unbelievable. Meeting up with people was great and hearing Shooting Stars just made my night but it was shit. We had to line up for like an hour to swap over our schoolies ticket for a wrist band that is what you used from then on, and with that, you are then allowed to get into the different schoolies tents and party to your heart’s content. By the time I had my wrist band I had sobered up completely and the big tent just wasn’t all that much fun. I soon saw Sheri who was probably happier to see me than anyone has ever been before, like... her happiness dominated Mebakas’s happiness by a lot, and she hugged me and I think nearly lifted me in the air but she couldn’t so I lifted her I think... We went into schoolies with the mindset of Paris Hilton, but the success rate of Tom Wilkin at my birthday party... except for Chris who started off the scoreboard with a one nil lead.

Andrew Heinicke 0
Chris Tankosic 1
Nick Cosma 0
Tom Wilkin 0

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cosma your actually disgusting, taking advantage over a friend like that. I hope for the worst to come to you.

Cosma said...

Cheers anonymous person, hope your having fun being a dick head.

Anonymous said...

Cosma your a legend! I hope you start your own pub where you piss in everyone's drinks :)

Anonymous said...

well... i thought it was funny. anonymous is probably just jealous that they haven't got enough friends to let them drink piss.

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